Why New Leaders Feel Like They’re Faking It
Leadership is learned through action, reflection, and adjustment, not before the promotion.
Let me give you an analogy. Remember that time you had that special event you had to go to? Maybe it was formal, maybe it was fancy, and you were deciding, "What am I gonna wear? What do I wanna look like for that? I wanna get made up for it. I wanna fit in."
The way you go about doing that is you probably went online, did some searches, looked around for some different ideas: "What are people wearing now? Maybe you asked some friends or relatives for any ideas on what you should wear. Then you finally went to the store and you started trying on stuff. You were looking at colors, styles, and fabrics to find what felt right to you, what was comfortable, and what looked good on you.
I want to use that same analogy. When you move into a leadership role, into that new management role, you have to try on different personalities and styles. What do you want to be as a manager?
Do I need to be a bit of a micromanager with this team, or can I give them some flex because they're a good team? They know what to do. I don't have to tell them what to do. What's my style when I'm giving feedback or when I'm delegating a task? What do I want that to look like?
Just like going to the store to try stuff on, you're going to go through different iterations of your personality. You're going to try on different styles for yourself until you find the one that's comfortable for you and you find your voice in that.
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit. - Aristotle
We Teach Skills This Way…
Carrying through the analogy, first you try on the skills and that starts with training. Training provides the framework or models of how to do something, like negotiation, providing feedback, communication skills you get the point.
The skills you need to do things, while coaching provides the accountability, space to reflect, and time for practice when those issues come up.
Most likely, many of the trainings you’ve attended end with the facilitator saying something like, “Choose 1 idea or concept from today that you will commit to doing or practicing,” or “what’s your one takeaway from today.”
What they are actually saying is, " What are you committed to practicing?”
Nobody expects someone to master delegation after hearing a one-hour presentation. We expect repetition. Expect it to feel awkward until it doesn’t.
But A Leadership Role Is Different
This is more than skills; this is where your mindset changes. When someone becomes a manager, they suddenly think:
Should I already know this? Did I miss something? Oftentimes, the organization reinforces it by saying congratulations, you’re in leadership or worse yet, they say nothing at all. One point of note, not all companies do this; many have incredible leadership onboarding training programs. But still too many don’t.
Here is what you are up against:
- You've got the skills from past training, but you've never actually had reps at using them.
- No two days look alike, so there's no scoreboard telling you if you're winning.
- The higher you go, the fewer people tell you the truth about how you're doing.
- Sometimes you're not failing - the org just never gave you the tools to succeed.
Instead, many assume competence arrives with the new title. This brings us back to the analogy: now is the time to try on new personalities, new strategies and new thought processes to see what fits you and the culture you are working in to support these four hurdles.
So how do you manage all this?
- Observe what strategies are used by other leaders.
- Experiment by consciously practicing those new delegation or communication styles.
- Evaluate the results using external feedback rather than internal anxieties.
The important point to keep in mind, is that you have to become a different version of yourself. You still want to be your authentic self it’s just a different version than you were when you were an individual contributor.
It will feel uncomfortable because you’re acting differently before it feels natural. You’re experimenting. Trying conversations. Trying decisions you may not have had to make before. You are finding your own authentic leadership voice.
Identity follows action. Not the other way around.
So here's where you start. Not with a five-year leadership philosophy. With one conversation.
Think of the one you've been putting off — the feedback you've been softening in your head, the one-on-one you keep pushing to "next week." Have it this week. Not perfectly. Just have it.
Notice what style you reached for. Notice what felt like you and what felt borrowed. That's the try-on. That's the whole exercise.
Confidence Comes From Reps
You get clear on what kind of leader you're trying on → you have the hard conversation → you survive it → next time it's less clunky → that's what earns you the room's trust, not the title.
We've all been there. We plan out the tough conversation, practice it in our heads a dozen times, get the wording just right... and then it happens. We have the conversation, and somehow it goes off the rails in the first thirty seconds anyway.
After, we replay it. We make mental notes on what we could've done differently. Maybe we call a mentor, a friend, a coach (shameless plug) — someone who can see it clearer than we can, because we're too close to it. We take the advice in.
Next time, we catch ourselves before it goes sideways. Maybe not all the way — but a little. It's a little less clunky than last time.
That's the part nobody tells you: action builds confidence, and confidence earns credibility. Not the other way around.
Where Coaching Fits
This is where coaching fits, if you're wondering.
Training taught you what good leadership looks like. Experience is teaching you what actually works, one clunky conversation at a time. Coaching just shortens the distance between the two.
Here's what that actually looks like, practically. You come to a session and say, "I tried the thing." I ask what happened. You tell me. Then I ask what you tried, and what you noticed, not because I'm grading you, but because you usually already know more than you think you do. You just haven't said it out loud to anyone yet.
That's the whole job, most days. Reflecting it back. Adjusting the plan. Keeping you moving before the self-doubt convinces you that you're doing it wrong.
Because you're not doing it wrong. You're doing it new. Those aren't the same thing, even though they feel identical at 11pm.
Tell me, What’s one leadership responsibility you’ve been waiting to “feel ready” for? I’d love to hear from you.
This Week's Resource
This week's resource: From Overwhelmed to Trusted Leader.
This toolkit will walk you through 8 key skills with descriptions and self-assessments. Find a quiet 20 minutes, and start with the self-assessments. That's where most managers have their first aha moment.
Click here to access the toolkit